I've had a frustrating day. A stress day. A ho-hum, woe is me day. And I can't say that it's anything different and unusual from a lot of weekends in the past.
I used to love weekends. They're weekends after all! Relaxation, a break, a time to be me. But lately at the end of the weekend I don't feel refreshed, I don't feel like going back to work with a smile and a bounce in my step. Instead I feel like I wasted two days... like there are so many things undone, and my life would be happier if I did them.
My home is a constant frustration. Some will say because I'm a cancer, some will say because of my upbringing, some will say because it's just part of me, but this drives me nuts. I like my home in some semblance of order. Not white glove clean, EVER, but cozy and usable. I haven't been sewing or doing crafts or anything because I don't have the space because of clutter and mess, and it bugs me. Or maybe just the general mess makes it hard for me to relax and enjoy.
But then on the weekends I make me and the boy start cleaning, then I ambition starts dwindling and not everything that needed to be done got done, and I'm back to Sunday night looking around wondering what really was accomplished.
I did accomplish a lot, honestly, but I still am loathe to have guests and still need to do so much more.
I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, and have been since I moved. This isn't home to me, just a place where I sleep and eat and pass the time between one work shift and another. This is unhealthy. This is just not me.
So I'll say because of this situation I will start cleaning every evening until it is done, I will start making improvements to make this home, but I can't say that it will change anything or get the job done.
I realize that I have lots to do to make this all work, that I have to find my peace in my space. I'm confident I will, but I need to do it soon before I just go completely wacky. Holding patterns are bad, they never allow you to grow.